I have been in bed for two days and I am so over it. I feel too sick to go out and do things but not half as sick as I would need to feel to appreciate being cooped up in my bed all day, so I am stuck here watching made for TV movies and drinking orange juice as my will to live slowly trickles away.
Tomorrow, I have decided, I will feel better or at least better enough to get out of the house.
There's a place I have been wanting to go back to for a long time, its a place that feels pretty special to me, and now that we have finally had the first snow of the winter I think its time. Its a huge beautiful lake where I used to go with someone I was very close to and although they are no longer in my life I hope I will be able to go there and enjoy its beauty and solitude. I'm going to wrap up really warm and take the train out there to see the water and the trees.
Last winter we walked across the lake from end to end when it was completely frozen over, it was one of the most exhilarating things I have ever done, then this summer we swam in it in full sunshine at ten o'clock at night- it was magnificent. Living this far north has its own unique challenges and landscape, just like when I lived so far south in New Zealand -the land has its own flavour. This winter I will walk around the lake on my own, I hope it will still seem as beautiful as it did before. I don't know why but this place seems like its my friend.
Next week I will be leaving my quiet Swedish life for the hustle bustle chaos of London, part of me is excited and part of me is dreading it. Last time I was in London I had an awful time, I was freezing cold, stressed, lonely and missing my sweetheart. Hopefully this time it will be different, for a start I am only going for six days as opposed to three weeks so even if its a bit of a let down its such a short period of time I won't have to stick it out for too long. I also organised myself differently so I will be staying in a different place almost every night- I figure that way I wont feel like a burden on whoever is hosting me by overstaying my welcome. Then of course there's the fact that there's no one missing me and no one for me to miss (except my fabulous friends of course!).
I am really looking forward to spending some time with my wonderful Nan, I love her so much and she takes such good care of me. It has totally changed my life to have her in it, she hasn't tried to fix me or solve my problems, she just lets me be weird and reminds me that she loves me, I feel totally blessed that I have someone in my life who cares about me unconditionally, I feel totally blessed that I finally know what unconditional means. I also feel totally blessed that I have someone in my life who owns a chip machine and makes me chip butties at 11 o'clock at night because quite frankly if that isn't love then what is?
I hope this blog post doesn't come off as overly depressing, Im not sad at all just pensive and a little bittersweet. The snow is so beautiful and everything feels symbolic and adventurous. Perhaps I have had too much cough medicine...